Soul Tied

With so many decisions to make, so much to tend to, and the absence of the one who influenced my decisions the most, I ask myself this question at least 50 times a day: “What would Kenneth do/say/like/think?”

In the store: “Should I get this dress? ...No. He would say it looked frumpy.” “This one? Mmmmm. Flattering, trendy, but modest...Yes. That is the one.”

I perceive his thoughts, reactions, and emotions to everything. I think, “See. He would have found this so hilarious.” I laugh. Or, “He would have been so irritated by this.” I shake my head. Or, “See. This is the kind of thing that really hurt him.” I begin to cry.

Yes, I know. My soul is wrapped up with the soul of a man that is not on this earth. How bout them apples.

I imagine his reactions and things he would often say.

The kids are all talking to me at one time. He would raise his voice really high. “Look. Leave your mother alone!” I can hear him saying that in those moments. I am out at the store trying to reach something too high and a random guy nearby says, “Hey! Do you need some help with that?” I imagine Kenneth’s reaction when someone was paying me more attention than he deemed appropriate. He would get a serious look on his face, lean in, and whisper to me, “You know I have not been delivered from fighting, right?” I would laugh, roll my eyes, and say something like, “Kenneth, please. Get a grip.”

I think the best way to explain it is that I kind of perceive him like Patrick Swayze’s character, Sam, in the movie, Ghost. The way he was following Oda Mae Brown around, telling her what to do. I was the saver and Kenneth was the spender. So, if I go somewhere and see something cute and think, “Ooooh! This is cute.” I just immediately imagine him saying, “Get it!! Get it!!” I would usually refuse. “Kenneth, that is not in the budget.” Needless to say, I would end up with it one way or another.

#soultied #grief #grace #love #marriage

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